1. Wow what a fun night! But ugh, needs water, and orange juice, and french fries, on top of pizza, and deep-fry it all together. Yum. I used protection, right? Yup, pretty sure I did. After all, I’m a responsible adult who is extremely responsible and what not. Now where’s my phone? I need to ask Domino’s if they can deep-fry me a pizza.
2. Wholly shit! Toilet?! Where’s the toilet?! I need to vom!!!! Jk, false alarm. Deep-fried pizza not recommended. Body hurts. Head hurts! I wanna die!!! Sleep needs to happen, but I have so much work to do! Wait, did I use protection? Yeah I did. But what if he has herpes of the mouth? Will contemplate later as I might die now.
3. OMIGOD HE DEFINITELY HAD HERPES OF THE MOUTH!!! He said it was a shaving cut but he’s a liar. That dirty liar. Now I have herpes and must have a responsible sex life for my entire life. What if he got his herpes mouth on my hooha? NOW I HAVE MOUTH AND HOOHA HERPES!!! I need to get tested.
4. Okay well maybe I was overreacting a little bit. Checked his fb, and he looks normal. No recurring mouth sores or anything according to pictures. I’m going to be fine! Unless the condom broke and i’m pregnant. Wait, we used protection the entire time, right? Maybe I should message him just to make sure. Or maybe not. That seems crazy right? I’m fine! He doesn’t have herpes, and we used a condom the entire night. Even during oral I’m pretty sure. Okay that’s a lie. Now I’m the dirty liar.
5. Wahoo! Not prego! I started my period today which means no baby! Everything’s looking up from here! I knew I was good at this whole sex thing. I should go get checked since I’m on such a responsible streak.
6. What if he had HIV? I mean you can’t tell from just looking, right? And sometimes HIV takes a long time to even become a thing that doctors diagnose you with right? Omigosh, I should just get an STI check. WHAT IF I HAVE HIV AND I GAVE IT TO HIM BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD IT!?!?!? Then I would need to contact all my other hookups and tell them, and that just seems like weird, but the right thing to do I think.
7. Nope! Don’t need a sex test. I’m healthy as a horse! Never been sick a day in my life! My vagina is healthy, I’m healthy. Who knows, maybe I have one of those bodies that just doesn’t get STIs, like those people who didn’t get the black plague or whatever. I mean I think I would only get checked if I was like positive there was something wrong with my body, but other than that, why waste the time?
8. THERE’S A BUMP! A BUMP THAT WAS NOT THERE BEFORE!!! CALLING MY GYNO YESTERDAY!!!!
9. Phew, okay bump’s gone, but still a little freaked out. Also my schedule is booked this week, so I don’t know if I can go in for the test, and also it’s going to cost money, oh wait, what? It’s free? Oh. Cool. But still…
10. Okay fine I’m here and I’m getting blood drawn, which wasn’t fun, but like now I KNOW if I have HIV or not, which is nice. Come to think of it, I should have done this forever ago. It was super easy, and now I am all checked out for everything. So sexually responsible, I can’t even believe it.